A new baby in the family
Wietske Boon
“I am three years old. Mommy and Daddy give me a lot of attention up to now. They play with me and we have nice long talks. When it is bath-time, I may sometimes play extra-long in the water. When we go shopping, now and then I get treated with a new toy or some sweeties. All the toys in our house belong to me. When we visit friends everyone comments on how much I have grown and how cute I am. Now Mommy is expecting a baby. What I don’t get, is where does babies come from anyway? Everyone tells me something different, and I don’t believe anyone anymore. And I am scared! Will Mommy and Daddy still love me? Who is going to play with me, I hear babies take a lot a of the mommy’s time. I adore my toys, what if the new baby takes it and breaks it? I am not so sure about this whole new baby thing…”
Having a new baby in the family doesn’t have to be a traumatic event in the firstborn’s life. Here are a few guidelines to make it easier for your child:
During pregnancy
Once you find out that you are expecting, tell it to him. Give him regularly the opportunity to ask questions and answer it with patience on a level that he can understand. There are books available that explain pregnancy and having a new baby on a child’s level.
Always be honest about what he can expect when the baby is born. Sometimes it will be fun, but other times the baby is going to cry and will need a lot of mommy’s attention.
- Look through some of his baby photos, laugh and talk about the things he did when he was smaller.
- When you visit the doctor, take him along to hear the baby’s heartbeat. This is as much a special experience for him as it is for you.
- If possible, involve your child when you discuss and choose a name for the baby. Make it a fun activity for the family.
- Involve him when you get the baby room ready. Try to avoid a move to another room, but if it is necessary explain to him why this needs to happen.
When baby is born
- To start the relationship on a high note, give the now big sister a present the first time she visit you and the baby in the hospital.
- Take a photo of her with you to hospital and put it on the table next to your hospital bed. She will feel special when she notices it there.
- To give her some sense of control: when she visits you at the hospital for the first time, let her and daddy bring the baby to mommy from the baby room.
When baby comes home
- Allow her to show the house to the baby.
- Buy her a baby-doll which she can feed and change. This will help her to cope with the transformation and to copy mommy’s behavior provides a feeling of control. Boys can also mimic taking care of their favourite stuffed animal or teddy bear.
- Involve her in the care-taking of the baby. Ask her to help choose baby’s outfits. When she is old enough let her help you with bath-time, etc.
- Make time to give her undivided attention even if you must ask grandma to babysit for a little while.
- There should still be clear boundaries. She might feel unsure of what is acceptable with the baby at home. She might also test the boundaries to see what you are going to allow.
- Be patient and give het lots of love.
- Ask family and friends to first greet and talk and make a fuss over your elder child when visiting, or let her introduce the new baby brother or sister to them.
- She might show some signs of regression like wanting to drink from a baby bottle again or wet her pants. This is her way of handling the changes. Some children become jealous or even aggressive. If you are worried about her behaviour, it might proof very valuable to take her for a couple of sessions to a play therapist to help her adjust to the changes and deal with her emotions.
Wietske Boon – Play therapist; www.childtherapist.co.za; wietske@childtherapist.co.za