Separation anxiety in the baby and toddler years
Charmaine Jooste
According to Sarah Abbot, director of Family Counselling Centre in Los Angeles, separation anxiety can strike any child at any given time even as sudden as overnight.
It can also resurface in the toddler-, preschool- and primary school years. It is important to remember that separation anxiety is completely normal and even healthy in a sense.
Fortunately there is a lot a parent can do to relieve the child’s feelings of anxiousness. Separation anxiety looks slightly different in various phases and can be dealt with on different ways.
Baby phase (0 to 18 months)
Babies show signs of distress when a parent leaves the room because the parent is no longer physically available. The anxiety is caused by the fact that baby does not know that the parent will return.
What to do?
- A baby needs to be exposed to a variety of caregivers on a regular basis; family, grandparents and friends. This makes the baby accustomed to the fact that different adults can provide in their needs.
- Quick goodbyes keep the tears away. Do not return to the room if baby starts sobbing. The baby will soon realise that the significant ‘other’ adult will take care of him or her.
- The parent’s body language should reassure the baby that the caregiver is trusted.
- An enlarged family photo can also be placed in the cot as a reminder that mum and dad are known to the entrusted caregivers.
- Do not sneak off; your disappearance will make the baby feel uncomfortable. Have an exit plan in place, e.g. say “Goodbye John, see you later;” the caregiver can draw the child’s attention away from the parent who then leaves the room.
Toddler phase (18 to 36 months)
Toddlers have a strong sense of attachment to their parents. They know that the parent will return but is afraid to let go. The anxiety can cause tantrums, emotional outbursts, lashing out, kicking, screaming and hysterical crying.
What to do?
- A goodbye routine or ritual can be effective. This can be a secret way that only you and your child have of saying goodbye, e.g. a kiss on each cheek and a high five.
- Give the child a small task by saying e.g. “When I pick you up at school later, you can help me carry the bags from the car into the house.” Tasks like these give children a sense of responsibility and convey the message that the parent will come back for them.
- Set a time for your return, e.g. “I will be back just after story time.”
- Make sure however, that you are on time.
- Remember that extra one-on-one time between the child and parent relieves feelings of insecurity and it gives the child a feeling of importance.
References:
C. Jooste (1990), Separations Anxiety. University of Johannesburg.
S. Abbot (2001), Research on Separation Anxiety. University of Los Angeles.